The Tetris Riots

Letters to Tetris Online Customer Support





I was never that big on tetris. Organizing blocks neatly seems more like a job for people with OCD and foreign construction workers. However, the semester break felt dreadfully boring and I needed to do something more than watching war. After watching so many war movies, I began having flashbacks, and so, I searched for a cure until suddenly, I found one. In the following days, I became stricken with Tetris fever (its like jungle fever but involves far fewer black women*). The disease became so bad that I eventually took the top spot on the leaderboard.




The bad news comes next. For some reason, Tetris Friends, the Facebook application that I inject inbetween my toes to satisfy my Tetris fetish, doesn't seem to load here on campus for reasons unbeknowest to anyone. I suspected laziness at the Tetris Friends headquarters may be responsible and I set off to find out why my Tetris dealer decided to blow me off. The following is a series of e-mails between myself and the wonderful people at Tetris Online Customer support.

To Tetris Online Customer Support:

dude, tetris isn't working. it won't load for myself or anyone else. If it doesn't work soon, people might riot here. Please help, I'm worried I might not survive this riot.

Yeah, I realize that e-mail reads as though I'm high on something(I'm not), but at the time I didn't think they'd actually respond to any email, especially one as dumb as this one. But to my surprise, they sent a response in which they try to help me through my Tetris problems. For the sake of keeping your interest, I'm not going to bother showing you the e-mail they sent (they told me the same old delete your cookies shit). I decided to respond in order to see just how far I could string these people along.

Dear Tetris Online Customer Support,

My name is Kit Kitchner and I am replying on behalf of Marco. I was Marco's roommate until last night when a mob, which formed due to the tetris outage, dragged us both out of our room. At some point, we were split apart and I never saw him again. I was saved by SWAT, fortunately, before the mob could cause me any harm. Marco, however, wasn't so lucky. The police found his body today and his head has yet to be located.

I am currently going through Marco's email messages and responding to his close friends and family. To those that knew him well, Marco was an avid fan of tetris, which is why I decided to respond to you. You see, for Marco's Funeral I want people to be able to play Tetris Friend's during the funeral service. The problem is that Tetris Friends fails to load. I fear that this problem may not be fixed before the funeral and a riot may occur. I worry SWAT may not respond as quickly as previously and I will be laid t o rest next to Marco. Please try your best to resolve this problem, if not for myself, then for Marco, may he rest in peace.

Thank you,

Kit Kitchner

For those of you still reading, 1)why?, 2) if you worked at Tetris Online Customer Support would you honestly take the time to respond to an e-mail like this? As it turns out, its actually a very boring place to work at because, yes, they have very little to do other than respond to obvious fake e-mails.

A group meeting at Tetris Online Customer support Headquarters




TOCS responded back with every effort to show sympathy through text.

Dear Kit,

Could you please access Tetris Friends from Firefox (http://www.mozilla.com/en-US/firefox/) to see if you’re encountering the same issue? We just want to check if it’s an IE problem or a setting in Marco’s computer.

Thank you.

Our condolence to Marco.

-Tetris Online Customer Support



I am sincerely moved by TOCP's continuous attempts to aide my Tetris problem and, at the same time, try to comfort me after my loss. I press on and send another e-mail, this time, from Kit Kitchner's own e-mail address.

Dear Tetris Online Customer Support,

I doubt you, the person reading this letter, is the same one whom received my and Marco’s previous letters concerning the lack of Tetris available at our residence. In this case, I will just fill you in the small details. On the evening of January 11, Marco sent an email to customer support in hopes of fixing the problem that plagued his Tetris Friends: the game would not load. Marco received a reply the following day with a list of options he could take in order to alleviate the problem. After 3 frustrating hours, Marco failed to fix the Tetris Friends problem. At this time, a mob formed outside the room screaming for Tetris Friends. The crowd soon turned violent and Marco was killed during the ensuing riot.

For his funeral, I wanted people to be able to play Tetris Friends, which I’m sure Marco would have wanted. I had hoped the problem could have been fixed by the time of the funeral but once again customer support’s advice to pray to the Firefox, as they called it, only allowed me to make contact with a deceased man named Raul Eduardo. Raul was born in 1910 and, as you probably figured out yourself, knows nothing about computers. He will, however, make an excellent primary for my research paper on The Spanish Civil War (the one from 1936, not 1820), so thanks for that. Anyways, I happened to explain to Raul what Tetris is and he is now eager to play the game. I fear he might join the unruly crowd now forming outside my building. I would really like if this new rebellion will not receive help from the undead. Any new ideas on fixing my problem and preventing genocide?

Sincerely,

Kit Kitchner

P.S. Please fix this soon. Our doors won’t keep the mob out for long.

It looks to me that the good people at TOCP no longer seem interested in my dilemma considering they have stopped answering my emails. I'll try to update this story later hopefully with a response or some more emails I've sent but most likely I've grown bored with this.

*In fact, it includes absolutely no women of any race