Daniel Lin: I have an assassin trailing you.

I got a C in his class. This means war.

Dan Lin: Hero Of The Human Resistance

Star date: 06042009.

As rain falls hard on Atlanta, I find myself seated in a cold, dark movie theater once more this week. Deciding that three times was enough, I opted not to see Ghosts of Girlfriends Past another time and instead wound up seeing Terminator Salvation, a movie lacking in Matthew McConnaHEY!'s southern charm but otherwise enjoyable.
That is, of course, until I saw who had executively produced the film: one "Dan Lin". That's right, the economics professor-senator-playboy millionaire is actually none of those things. In reality (stardate 06042018) he is a fighter in the TechCom resistance movement. I knew he was from Los Angeles... just not post-apocalyptic Los Angeles. This man traveled back in time to create what we thought was an enjoyable summer-movie romp, but was in fact a docu-drama, a warning from the future about our impending doom.
What lengths this selfless man went to, to avert humanity's undoing! He dodged T-600s, T-800s and Hunter-Killer units to infiltrate the Skynet compound. He underwent the risky time-traveling process, a process comrade Sumner did not survive and instead wound up in a fire escape (look it up). He graded economics papers of undergrad students who didn't buy the textbook. This fearless man is a saint, worthy of our adoration.

God bless you, Dan Lin.

wassssssuppppppp: why do people say such retarded shit

Just a couple thought provoking questions for you jibblers...

Why do people say things like "cool as shit" and "cute as hell"?

Is shit cool? No.

Is hell cute? No. 

Quick test

I want to see how long it takes for someone to notice this

An Open Letter to Dan Lin

With Picture of First Google Image Result for "Senator Dan Lin"

Senator Dan Lin canceled (cancelled?) class tomorrow (today?).

I responded:

"Hey, Senator Lin. This is weird, man. i'm looking at your email right now and its pretty intense. First of all, they way you spelled "Canceled" is mind blowing. My best friend and room mate Nathan Kasai (you may know him, he's in your class too :)) told me that apparently you can spell that word as either "canceled" or "cancelled" and both ways are fine. Thank you so much for teaching me even when not in class. You never cease to astound me.
Secondly, I'm terribley sorry to hear about your daughter. I currently have a sore throat and a semi-runny nose. Although, in no way am I comparing your daughter's tragic condition to mine.
Thirdly, there is so much snow outside. It reminds of that Twilight Zone episode where the Earth is heading closer to the Sun and everyone on the planet is burning. Harsh, right? But, in the end of the episode, there is a major plot twist. It turns out that the protagonist is actually suffering from a very high fever (hey, just like your daughter. Whats her name again?) and, in fact, the Earth is moving away from the Sun and everything and everyone is freezing. That's where the snow comes in. So look on the bright side: at least we're not freezing to death! :)
Anyway, I look forward to covering all of Mankiw - Chapter 11 in Thursday's class. I'll be the guy with the sweet boombox and sparkly headband. I'll wave!
Allright, the Nyquil is starting to mellow out so I'm gonna head to sleep while I can. I can't wait to see you Thursday. Wait, do you prefer "Electric Avenue" or "Take on Me"? I'll play "Take on Me" since you haven't heard that one yet.

O.K. Now I'll let you get back to business, Professor Senator Lin.

- Marcopher Z."

Laus Deo

One detail that is never mentioned is that in Washington , D.C. there can never be a building of greater height than theWashington Monument .With all the uproar about removing the ten commandments, etc., this is worth a moment or two of your time. I was not aware of this amazing historica l information.On the aluminum cap, atop theWashington Monument in Washington , D.C. , are displayed two words: Laus Deo.No one can see these words. In fact, most visitors to the monument are totally unaware they are even there and for that matter, probably couldn't care less.

Once you know Laus Deo's history, you will want to share this with everyone you know. These words have been there for many years; they are 555 feet, 5.125 inches high, perched atop the monument, facing skyward to the Father of our nation, overlooking the 69 square miles which comprise the District of Columbia, capital of th eUnited States of America .Laus Deo! Two seemingly insignificant, unnoticed words. Out of sight and, one might think, out of mind, but very meaningfully placed at the highest point over what is the most powerful city in the most successful nation in the world.So, what do those two words, in Latin, composed of just four syllables and only seven letters, possibly mean? Very simply, they say "Praise be to God!"Though construction of this giant obelisk began in 1848, when James Polk was President of the United States, it was not until 1888 that the monument was inaugurated and opened to the public. It took twenty-five years to finally cap the memorial with a tribute to the Father of our nation, Laus Deo. "Praise be to God!"From atop this magnificent granite and marble structure, visitors may take in the beautiful panoramic view of the city with its division into four major segments. From that vantage point, one can also easily see the original plan of the designer, Pierre Charles l'Enfant..a perfect cross imposed upon the landscape, with theWhite House to the north. The Jefferson Memorial is to the south, the Capitol to the east and the Lincoln Memorial to the westA cross you ask? Why a cross? What about separation of church and state? Yes, a cross; separation of church and state was not, is not, in the Constitution. So, read on. ; How interesting and, no doubt, intended to carry a profound meaning for those who bother to notice.Praise be to God! Within the monument itself are 898 steps and 50 landings. As one climbs the steps and pauses at the landings the memorial stones share a message.
On the 12th Landing is a prayer offered by the City of Baltimore;
On the 20th is a memorial presented by some Chinese Christians;
On the 24th a presentation made by Sunday School children from New York and Philadelphia quoting Prove rbs 10:7, Luke 18:16 and Proverbs 22:6. Praise be to God!When the cornerstone of theWashington Monument< style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #8000ff; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'"> was laid on July 4th, 1848 deposited within it were many items including the Holy Bible presented by the Bible Society. Praise be to God! Such was the discipline, the moral direction, and the spiritual mood given by the founder and first President of our unique democracy "One Nation, Under God."I am awed by Washington's prayer for America. Have you ever read it? Well, now is your unique opportunity, so read on!"Almighty God; We make our earnest prayer that Thou wilt keep the United States in Thy holy protection; that Thou wilt incline the hearts of the citizens to cultivate a spirit of subordination and obedience to government; and entertain a brotherly affection and love for one another and for their fellow citizens of the United States at large. And finally that Thou wilt most graciously be pleased to dispose us all to do justice, to love mercy, and to demean ourselves with that charity, humility, and pacific temper of mind which were the characteristics of the Divine Author of our blessed religion, and without a humble imitation of whose example in these things we can never hope to be a happy nation. Grant our supplication, we beseech Thee, through Jesus Christ our Lord.
When one stops to observe the inscriptions found in public places all over our nation's capitol, he or she will easily find the signature of God, as it is unmistakably inscribed everywhere you look. You may forget the width and height of "Laus Deo ", its location, or the architects but no one who reads this will be able to forget its meaning, or these words: "Unless the Lord builds the house its builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain." (Psalm 127: 1)It is hoped you will send this to every child you know; to every sister, brother, father, mother or friend. They will not find offense, because you have given them a lesson in history that they probably never learned in school. With that, be not ashamed, or afraid, but have pity on those who will never see this.

Death Metal Grunge Apocalypse - The Flying Turtle is Missing!

At the beginning of the school year, a star was born.  And by star, I mean a flying turtle.  This turtle graced the hallway and guarded the lounge with steadfast loyalty

On February 24, 2009 this majestic being went missing.  No one has seen him.  No one has heard from him.  Recycling bins in the area were search but at no avail.  We urge the community to keep a vigilant eye out for the flying turtle.  

We miss him dearly.  

Feel free to print out this picture and post it around town.  With your help maybe we'll be able to catch the turtle-napping culprit.  Send our turtle home!

Crowded Exile - 3pm Poetry

For those of you get that same rush of hopelessness and flatulence every time a cold wind brushes past your window as you try to get that flipping tetris game to load.

Lovely leaves swivel on the ground

Like forlorn chocolate jibblers.

I look out the window and sigh

With the intensity of those cars

You see in movies.

You know the ones.

Their dark-tinted pools of the abyss

Shine brightly through the jazz-soaked

Night, asking for naught but your

Change that, let’s face it, would likely

End up going toward your nightly

7-11 run.

Well, I'm done doing stuff today. Time to go stare at some cinder blocks.

My Retarded Chemistry Class is full of Retards

First of all, I don’t condone the use of the word “retard.” I don’t like it when people use that word and I don’t want any of you using. I can use it though. My dog is retarded so its O.K. if I use it. Moving on.
Right now, I’m sitting in Chemistry class with my laptop. Why do I have my laptop? Well its because this class is retarded and I’d rather get ADD by stumbling 100 times a minute. Unfortunately, Beeghly building was designed so that no wifi can travel within its walls. So, here I am, semi-listening to the lecture. It was here that I discovered two things: 1) without the internet, my laptop is a $600 video game console that only plays solitaire, 2) my chemistry class is made up of 50% retards, 49% retarded monkeys, and 1% me.
The first guy I heard when I pulled away from the solitaire for a few seconds was what looked to be like some very sad man sitting at about the second row. I think he was trying to answer a question but unless the question was “what’s the most annoying thing you can say when answering a question*” he just looked as if he was asked to explain the meaning of life. Next time, please keep your fucking hand down or I will staple it.

The most boring part of this retarded class (and my favorite) is near the end when the professor decides to hand out a worksheet and have the entire class do it together. I don't do it; I just watch everyone else do it. I look at her just standing there, staring at her retarded students working intently trying to solve a simple proportion problem. Its pretty much silent for 5 minutes with a few brave people now and then blurting out an amazingly wrong answer. Holy shit, when the professor stated "Don't forget to balance the equation," I shit you now, people said out loud "oooooooooooooohh!" Did these people go to high school? Did they fucking fall off the short bus while it was driving past campus and wandered into this class?


*The most annoying thing you can do while answer a question is say "um" in between every word. Using "like" is second.

The Curious Epicurean

For the first time in my entire life I ate at Chik-Fil-A. Being from the North, where Chik-Fil-A doesn't exist I pronounced it Chik-Fila(fill-uh) to which I was severely reprimanded. I have to say the first experience was very satisfying. The lemonade was very good, the fries as well, and the sandwich even though it had pickles on it.

However the second time, was not so enjoyable. I will have to admit, I really only visited again because of the lemonade, you just can't really get good lemonade where I'm from. So instead of a sandwich I decided that I would get some nuggets. This, as will you will see, was a bad idea. Upon arriving I noticed that there were no nuggets, but I decided to wait for them anyway. The other person waiting with me was a rather large kid who already had a 12 piece but was waiting for another. Seriously, 24 nuggets, holy shit! There is a reason that they come in denominations of 12 and 8, because that's how many you are suppose to eat. Plus it's lunch, you really aren't supposed to eat that much anyway. And, as if I could complain more, I was waiting for chicken nuggets, only one and he was standing there holding one. He had to wait for another one, so why not just give me the one he had, I guess he is just a greedy little bitch.

So we continue to wait, as my hunger pangs become more and more frequent. The two guys behind the counter look at the slowly gathering mob with fear. They obviously cannot cook the food and only were able to refill the fry baskets, which we didn't need and check if the drink machines are working. So as we start getting angrier, suddenly a bunch of people, obviously the cooks come from some secret door and start to cook. Where did they come from you ask, lunch break. Lunch break? I cannot believe that it would cross someone's mind that if you work at a fast food restaurant that it would be a good idea to take a lunch break at lunch.

Instead of an extremely fast food experience, I had a painstakingly slow one. I should have waited in the line at the Tavern, the ultimate time suck for on campus dining, it would have been quicker.

Is Your Trendy Millenial Alternative Music Simply Repackaged 90s Alternative Music?: A Chilling Expose

Mmkay I was gonna drop some wordy bullshit exposition on you setting this up, but I respect you so NAHHHH.

Here is my thesis:

New-ish band Silversun Pickups is really just Smashing Pumpkins in disguise.
Smashing Pumpkins and Silversun Pickups are the same band.

Here is my proof:
Silversun Pickups
















Smashing Pum-- WAIT. THIS is Silversun Pickups, that one up there? Smashing Pumpkins. I got confused because THEY'RE THE SAME BAND!







Observe: Smashing Pumpkins. Four members. Three men, one woman. Lead singer? Male with feminine voice. Token Asian guy. That chick? Hot bassist.

Silversun Pickups. Four members. Three men, one woman. Lead singer? Male with feminine voice. A token Asian guy. That chick? Hot bassist.

Smashing Pumpkins. Silversun Pickups. SAME INITIALS! SAME BAND!

Consider yourmind FUCKING BLOWN!

Why should you care?
You shouldn't. This is absolutely irrelevant, and was written simply to get my editor off my ass. What a fucking jibbler.

OR PERHAPS this is some conspiracy by the record companies to control the masses by tricking them into supporting a band they supported 15 years earlier. What a fucking mindfuck. People should take to the streets and riot. I'm sure they will after they read my article.

Curious Epicurean

I realize that I haven't written a post in awhile, sorry Max, I have been quite busy. However I realize that this is no excuse and I apologize deeply. So now on to the post.

Everyone complains about the dining here at American. I have been pretty happy with it, yes the food is a bit sub par but overall I have enjoyed my dining experiences here. That is until now.

The other day I was excited to find out that TDR was going to serve corn dogs as part of a carnival night theme. I am extremely in love with corn dogs. Some people might think that corn dogs are an abortion of food, based on the reactions I got when I mentioned they were going to be at TDR, but they are my guilty pleasure. When I was younger my parents forced me to eat "healthy" and corn dogs did not fall into that category. So whenever I got to eat one I was very excited and thus my love for corn dogs.

I spent the whole day in anticipation of the corn dogs I would consume later that night. I'm pretty sure I ran or walked very briskly to TDR when it was dinner time. When I got there I had trouble locating the promised corn dogs, the reason why was because there were no corn dogs at all. TDR had lied to me but more importantly it had broken my dreams. I even asked a TDR employee if there were any corn dogs and just looked at me like I was stupid. So in retaliation and to prove that I was not making up the part about corn dogs I stole a sign that included those vicious lies.

The "Sassy Chef", the chef that writes back on all the comment cards tried to apologize for this massacre of my feelings but it wasn't enough and it will never be enough.

I will continue to dine at TDR, mainly because I have to. But the dining experience will be bittersweet. I will never think of you the same way TDR, you have broken my dreams.

Jibbles n' Shit Writer Wins Sweepstakes

Considering quitting my day job.

I don't know if people have heard but I recently won some money. And by some, I mean more than you can imagine. That's just how my life goes, you know. One day, i'm sitting on my ass thinking "my life can't get any better can it?" Then raptor Jesus comes down from his golden throne to give me the almighty high five followed by The Holy Spirit. In this case, The Holy Spirit is in the form of a $25 gift certificate.

What's that you say? $25 dollars isn't that much? That must be the jealousy talking becasuse, I assure you, $25 is quite a bit of money. Some people don't even know how many quarters there are in $20, let alone in 25 bones.

Now that we established that 25 smackaroos is a lot of money, its time to set some boundaries. First of all, simply because I am rich now does not mean that I will work for free (Max). I still need a steady income. Hell, I could use a raise as an incentive to keep writing for this dirt poor blog. Secondly, if you were not my friend before God blessed me with his $25 of love you will not be my friend now. Alternatively, I will not be buying anyone's friendship. I worked too hard for my money to give it away just for some attention from poor people like yourselves.

Thirdly, and most importantly, this sudden inheritance of money from Jesus may make me better than you but we're still family :)

Let me explain:

Me.................................................... You

Me.................................................... You

Me................................................You

Me......................................You

Me ............................................. You

Actually, that last one is just bad.

Riddle me this

When it snows I am warm
I like the fat chick from Lost
The answer to this riddle is "no"
The dew from grass is my favorite drink
I wear my sunglasses at night

Can you solve this riddle?

Reviews of American Movie Classics: Citizen Kane Is Bad and Stupid

Everybody thinks that Citizen Cane is the best Movie ever but its realy not that good. we wached it in my Class and its not a good movie and its dumb. The story, the dialoge, the directing, and the acting--all are reasons why Citizen Cane is a Bad movie and its stupid.

Firstly, the Story isnt a good story. It deosnt make any Sense. like the movie starts out with some guy droping a crystal ball because he fell asleep And then they show the news. also people get old really fast and than they get young again In the stories. Its confuseing and i didnt like it. The title makes no sense. they'res nobody in the movie named Citizen Kane so why did they name the movie that? Ive seen better movies thatn this movie.

teh posters lieing its not a terrific its awfull

Secondly the dailoqe isnt any good. People say Things to each other that people wouldnt ever say too eachother in real life. its not realistic enof for me because nobody says a curse word in the movie they dont even say damn or Ass when everybody says those words. Also the movie is in black and white. people think if they make there movie in black and white that means its good. But its really just boring and because theres no colors in the movie i find It hard to focos on teh movie.

Thirdly, the directing is bad.

i dont think I even know who these characters are.

Fourthly the acting is horible. the Actors dont act like real people at all. Theres this one girl that the guy marrys but she has a reallly hi piched voice and shes really dumb if she was my wife i would have hit her in her mouth so she would stop talking. god its really Annoying. the rest of the actors arent convincing and I didnt believe that the people were who they said they were.

In conclusion, Citizen kane is a bad movie. Its' stupid and dumb because of the story the diagloge the directing and the acting. ive seen much better movies that i prefer to this movie like Transformers which was really great and it was better than this movie. It had robots that faught each other.

Robots can fight other Robots

I give Transformers 4 stars out of for.

Riddle Me This

I turn polar bears white
And I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
And girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
And normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
And make your champagne bubble.
If you squeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.

Can you guess the riddle?

Hey, C U Next TuesdayS!

DISCUSS...

Riddle me this

What is black, white crispy and smells like a burning corspe?

Clay Matthews' burning corspe after I beat hit to death for travelling through time- he thinks he's so hot

Riddle Me This

A box without hinges, key, or lid,
Yet golden treasure inside is hid.

Sex & Candy

While there have been other posts, it has been far too long since my last 90s music column.

This week I am commenting on the 1997 cult classic "Sex & Candy" by Marcy Playground. Named after the school (Marcy Open in Minneapolis) that lead singer John Wozniak attended, the band became more popular in the second half of the 1990s reaching their peak with this song that spend fifteen weeks at #1 on the Billboard charts and later went platinum.

The band, which also consisted - at the time - of drummer Dan Rieser and bassist Dylan Keefe, since then has put out two more albums and is working on their forth, now with Shlomi Lavie instead of Dan Rieser.

What, now, did they mean by this song? What exactly is the smell of sex and candy? The smells of candy, we know, are usually associated with scents of sugar, chocolate, cookies, and frostings. Sex, on the other hand? Is it the scent of perfume? Clean sheets? Sweat?

Although the guys were probably having a lot of sex then, they probably aren't now (see photo on the left), so I guess we'll never know how they could smell sex. Now they're probably just lounging in their chairs, yeah.



This week ten years ago, the #1 hit on the Billboard Charts was Monica's Angel of Mine ranking up there with the Backstreet Boys' All I Have to Give, and Sarah McLachlan's Angel.

Until next time, just remember that the best things were born in the nineties.

Riddle Me This

Daughter of Greece,
Loves flannel not fleece,
Eater of green,
Of King not Queen.

Jokes and Jokes IV

I'm quite sure that no ones reads the posts so here is a treat:

Act of Consecration to St. Joseph

O dearest St. Joseph, I consecrate myself to your honor and give myself to you, that you may always be my father, my protector and my guide in the way of salvation. Obtain for me a greater purity of heart and fervent love of the interior life. After your example may I do all my actions for the greater glory of God, in union with the Divine Heart of Jesus and the Immaculate Heart of Mary. O Blessed St. Joseph, pray for me, that I may share in the peace and joy of your holy death. Amen.sherry christianApproximate number of babies killed by surgical abortion in the USA since January 22, 197349,901,977 still killing
Come, let us worship the Lord, the great King.
St Martha
Martha was the sister of Mary of Bethany and Lazarus. In the West, her feast day comes a week after that of St Mary Magdalene because of the old and probably erroneous tradition that Mary Magdalene was the same person as Martha’s sister.But at least Martha and Mary both get celebrated somehow. What about poor Lazarus? He deserves our sympathy for being brought back to life by Jesus so as, later, to have to die all over again. What he thought of being brought back to Earth is not recorded. The presence of the incarnate Lord must have made up for the postponement of Heaven, but – where less dramatic circumstances are concerned – we should think of Lazarus when we prepare to make spectacular acts of charity on behalf of people who may not necessarily appreciate our interventions.See the article in the Catholic Encyclopaedia.
Mid-morning reading (Terce)
Jeremiah 17:7 - 8 ©
A blessing on the man who puts his trust in the Lord, with the Lord for his hope. He is like a tree by the waterside that thrusts its roots to the stream: when the heat comes it feels no alarm, its foliage stays green; it has no worries in a year of drought, and never ceases to bear fruit.
Noon reading (Sext)
Proverbs 3:13 - 15 ©
Happy the man who discovers wisdom, the man who gains discernment: gaining her is more rewarding than silver, more profitable than gold. She is beyond the price of pearls, nothing you could covet is her equal.
Afternoon reading (None)
Job 5:17 - 18 ©
Happy indeed the man whom God corrects! So do not refuse this lesson from the Omnipotent: for he who wounds is he who soothes the sore, and the hand that hurts is the hand that heals.

Enjoy heatthens

I Hate Larry Craig

I know what you're thinking. "Hey TQA! Why are you beating an old horse? Larry Craig is dead news!" Well that may be. But there is something I've been needing to say about this man for a long, long time, and I could never find the appropriate forum.
Until now, that is.
You know, a lot of people try to say that the actions of men like Craig are really quite innocuous, that these disgraced politicians harm nobody but themselves and/or Congressional pages. Nothing could be further from the truth. The irresponsible actions of Larry Craig dealt a death blow to an identity that millions of American men share. For years, these men have been in hiding, unwilling to face the public disgrace and private recriminations their "outing" would likely have produced. Only in recent years have these individuals been willing to wear their identity on their sleeves. You all know of whom I speak: those of us who use the so-called "wide stance."
When Larry Craig used the wide stance as an excuse for his indiscretions, a surge of horror spread through the wide community. How could something so beautiful, so natural, be turned into something so sleazy? The days and weeks after Craig's wide-stance revelation were dark ones indeed for the movement. There was a period there where the shame was so great that millions of men across the country would go to any lengths to avoid using a public bathroom. Hate crimes against the wide-stanced shot up over 300% in the months after the Craig revelation. It is because of this unprecedented and unwarranted wave of violence against the wide-stanced community that I feel justified in placing a bounty on Larry Craig, to be paid out only in the event of his safe delivery to the headquarters of Society of People for the Emulation of the Wide-Stanced.SPEW will bring this man before the people's tribunal to answer for his crimes. Questions? Address all inquiries to 842 People's Justice Avenue, Pyongyang.
Happy Trails!

Jokes and Jokes III

Sometimes when you are angry with someone, it helps to sit down, take a moment to cool off, and think about the problem...

Time-Traveling Adventures: Flashbacks to Vietnam!

Why howdy there, fellow time-travelers! Today I hopped in my history-pod and went back to a magical time: Khe Sanh Vietnam, 1967! I arrived under the full moon of night and looked around at my beautiful surroundings--hills of majestic green foliage, turrets suffocated with innumerable high-power guns, and more handsome, fit young men than I knew what to do with!

I was startled to find that I was kneeling in a trench with a gun in my hands, heart pounding and body sweating, feeling more anxious and terrified than I ever have in my life! I then realized what night it was: November 19th. I glanced at my watch: 9:42 PM. We were sitting--waiting--at the bottom of Hill 875. The American soldiers positioned at the top of the hill had been stranded there for weeks with no supplies and no rest from the constant bombardment from Charlie. Charlie... he was always there in the jungle--inhuman beasts, monsters, never resting, never stopping, unconquerable fighting machines. I can't even begin to tell you, kids, how many friends I lost to Charlie as he crouched in the jungle, always ready to pounce. And it was us, the Delta company, that was supposed to charge all the way up Hill 875 and rescue the poor kids waiting at the top... in less than one minute!

I looked to my left. Ralph was sitting there next to me. Ralph was the greatest friend of my life. He was hardly your average soldier; Ralph was more sensitive, sensational, and sublime than any man ever in the service, including General Westmoreland himself. A barely legal, 18-year-old boy from Nebraska, Ralph had a strong but smooth build with a permanent but faint tan from working on the family farm for his whole life. He had the body of a man, but he was still had that innocent look of childhood in his attractive and youthful face. I was closer to Charlie than I've ever been to anybody else in my life. We told each other our deepest feelings, our darkest thoughts. On nights not unlike this one we would lie under the moon beside each other and talk until the morning sun crawled over the hill. I loved him. Our friendship was the deepest that two men could possibly share.

"Don't worry," Ralph whispered, "I'll be right beside you the entire time."

The watch clicked onto 9:43, the commander called out an order of advancement, and we leaped out of the trenches and charged up the hill. My body was rushing with adrenaline. My legs pounded up and down like the wheels on a locomotive. My lungs were on fire with the air that passed rapidly in and out of them. Under fire, Men were falling on the left and the right, but Ralph stayed right beside me, chugging up the hill.

We were no more than 300 yards from the crest of the hill when overwhelming machine gun fire broke out. It was an ambush! Bullets rained down on us like a monsoon. Overwhelmed, I fell to the ground and curled up into a ball. I clutched my face with my hands and looked to Ralph for support. I needed his help. I needed to feel safe. I looked up at Ralph. He looked back at me. I stared directly into his face. I watched as a grenade landed and exploded on Ralph's beautiful face.

When the smoke cleared, Ralph was lying on the ground. There was little more left to his head than a stump. Blood was spraying out of it in pulsating spurts. I realized to my horror that pieces of Ralph's head covered my face. His teeth, his tongue, his brains. Ralph's body just laid there, convulsing. Ralph was dead.

I wasn't going to let this happen again. I wasn't going to let those fucking Viet Cong pieces of shit take my Ralph and get away with it. Last time I just laid there and did nothing. This time was going to be different. I took a chainsaw off of my back and ran into the jungle. I found Charlie. A fucking piece of North Vietnamese scum, huddling behind a bush with a machine gun, scared to death. I ran towards him and plunged the chainsaw deep into his neck. Blood sprayed everywhere as the chainsaw slowly ripped through his neck like a saw through a tree trunk. His head flew off. I had done to Charlie exactly what he had done to my dear, dear Ralph. But that wasn't enough. I needed more blood. I took a knife off of my belt and tackled another nearby soldier. I stabbed him. I stabbed him so many times. I stabbed him in the face. I stabbed him in the chest. I stabbed him all over his body. I stabbed him in the eyes, and the fluid that squirted on to my face as the blade plunged into them joined the blood and other body fluids that already covered my face. By the time that I was done slicing my knife in and out of his body, he looked like ground beef. I stole his machine gun and went after the rest of his company. I came them them standing there confused, squinting at me with those stupid eyes. I started shooting straight down the row of them, taking out soldier after soldier, cutting them in half with the devastating line of bullets. I took out the whole force myself. Then LBJ himself stepped out from behind a tree. "How do you fucking like me now, you piece of shit?!" he screamed at me. "I robbed you of precious years of your life. I robbed you of your innocence and your morals. And now, I've robbed you of your only friend Ralph--the closest person to you in your life. What the fuck are you going to do about it?!" I tackled Johnson. I stomped his face with my boots until it was wiped clean off. Then I straddled his chest and punched the bloody chasm were his face used to be until there was nothing left of his head but a few skull fragments.

Well, kids, mission accomplished! I had finally done what I always wanted to do. I slipped right out of my flashback and back into the real world. Whoo-wee, that sure was another fun adventure, wasn't it, children?! I can't wait to see what's in store for us next week! Until then, kids, remember: If I don't touch your bathing suit area, then you'll drown the next time you go swimming.

Death Metal Grunge Apocalypse - Sea Otters

Judas Priest once threatened that “mercenary battalions are poised to strike us down.”  One can only hope they were speaking to mankind and not Enhydra lutris (commonly known as the Sea Otter).  Sea Otters are marine mammals native to the coast of the northern and eastern North Pacific Ocean.  Sea Otters are the heaviest members of the weasel family, but among the smallest marine mammals.  However, do not bring this up in polite conversation.  They are quite sensitive and find it quite offensive.  Despite being the heaviest amongst weasels, Sea Otters form of insulation is not from fat or “blubber”.  They insulate themselves with an exceptionally thick coat of fur.  Their fur is, in fact, the densest in the animal kingdom.  They would appreciate it if you didn’t try to make a fur coat from it.  Apparently, they are quite attached to their fur.  Don’t let the name SEA Otter fool you.  These mammals are quite capable of walking on land… however most of them prefer to live exclusively in the ocean.   Sea Otters are capable of speeds up to 5.6 mph underwater.  A little known fact about Sea Otters is that when they DO emerge from their watery home, they seem to have a passion for drag racing.  Drag racing is a competition in which vehicles compete to be the first to cross a set finish line, usually from a dead stop, and in a straight line.   Sea Otters are among the top drag racers in the North Pacific Ocean.  One otter went as far to say “I FEEL THE NEED FOR SPEED!  And a good sea urchin.”  Speaking of sea urchins, these speed demons enjoy a multitude of marine cuisine (100 different prey species to be exact).  They enjoy, amongst other marine invertebrates, sea urchins, clams, mussels, abalone, mollusks, crustaceans, and snails.  Like many Americans, Sea Otters prefer larger meal portions.  However, they differ in the fact that they have a speedy metabolic rate and have to eat 25 to 38% of their own body weight.  Adult and independent juvenile otters forage for food alone.  Sea Otters tend to rest together in single-sex groups called rafts.  The “rafts” can contain up to 100 otters.  Male Sea Otters’ “rafts” are larger than female ones.  Another fun fact is that to keep from drifting out to sea when resting, Sea Otters may wrap themselves in kelp.  “They’re just like snuggies… only better” a young otter said when asked about the comfort of kelp.  “Generations tremble, clinging face to face, helping situation to end the perfect race.”  Well Judas Priest, you are right to say that “the perfect race” or Sea Otters are almost ended.  They are endangered.  Which is a shame because they are a key stone species (no, they are not from Pennsylvania).  

wassssupppppp: they're always after me lucky charms!!!

Ohhh lucky charms.  Hearts, stars and horseshoes, clovers and blue moons, pots of gold and rainbows, and me red balloons. What kid doesn't know that infectious jingle? And what kid actually likes the cereal that surrounds the marshmallows? I sure don't. 

When I was picking the marshmallows out of my lucky charms the other day in TDR (taste don't waste...fuck that), I discovered something shocking, surprising, and horrifying. 

There are subliminal messages in the cereal. 

The creators of lucky charms clearly realized that their consumers would be focused on their colorful, enticing marshmallows, not the actual cereal that comprises the other 70% of this traditional breakfast, lunch and dinner. General mills took this opportunity to rape our minds. The shapes of the actual cereal is nothing more than an attempt to convince us all to eat at taco bell, convert to christianity, and kill people. Please use the picture above for reference before I explain further.

What does the first cereal shape look like? A bell. Strangely reminiscent of the taco bell logo huh? 

Shape number two. JESUS FISH. Nuff said.

Shape three. An x. You know in cartoons how when anyone died or got hurt, they would have X's instead of eyes? 

I'm not saying to stop eating cereal, I'm just educating the public on the possible consequences. Continue eating lucky charms, but if you feel the need to get some pseudo mexican food, join a convent, or stab/injure someone, you know who to sue. 

Unbelievably Retarded

These are the results of the so called "poop journals," a social experiment which was met with a little bit less than mixed results due to a lack of creativity or enthusiasm on the part of the Hughes 2 residents including me.


Here's Josh Jacobs' semi retarded post:

I love this stall. Today I pooped a nice amount and read Persian Mirrors. I feel like I'm pooping on a throne in here. I don't like using so much toilet paper when I poop [editor's note: that's fucking disgusting Josh. Why don't you like to wipe your ass?]. It's annoying as fuck. Also don't take the stall next to me it's a dick move.

I just wanted to make an example of Josh here, because he wanted to remain anonymous. The other entries follow:

Today was especially hard for me. But I pushed and I pushed and it finally came out. It was slow and painful, but all that hard work finally paid off.

I forgot I had eaten peanuts... until now.

This is a solid and spikey turd, that gets softer as it worms its way out of my enlarged colon. The first push was decent, but only after the second push did any liquid poo make itself known. I thought I had finished, but it seems I've got some more poo left in me, here we go!! The toilet paper has its work cut out for it considering the sheer volume of poo riming my ass hole.
-Poo Guy [that's just gross, man].

Who does #2 work for!?!
-II

Here's a picture of one that I didn't want to save for obvious reasons...

So what did I learn from this experiment? I learned that men's bathrooms are a dark, dirty, and scary place. Perhaps I shouldn't foray any deeper into a disturbing analysis of our species' most necessary and primal activities. The window into our subconcious it opens is humiliating and maybe a bit too revealing. Also, I learned that Josh doesn't like to wipe his ass.




tl;dr I'm pretty immature.

Jokes and Jokes II

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.


The doctor was shocked!'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

Ha! Since when were women allowed to drive?

84.5% of all traffic accidents are caused by women driving. Another 15% are caused by women talking to men and making them drowsy, and .5% are caused by blind people.

In light of this, I have compiled some evidence of the worst women drivers in 2007. Bear in mind it was a close tie for 11th, between all 150 some million women in the country, but these are pretty bad.

#10- No she's not a midget, she's standing in mud

#9- How did that get there?

#8- Even women in other countries got probs

#7- Hah!

#6- Now, this one's not funny, it's dangerous

#5- Oh shit!

#4- Female cops or as I call them "fops"

#3- A woman plus a big car is bound for disaster

#2- The helmet's on the wrong way

And finally...

#1-

Please vote yes for amendment 28, banning women from driving

Jokes and Jokes

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn and screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' License plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper Sticker, And the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, Naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car."

Riddle Me This, Baggins

Voiceless it cries,
Wingless it flutters,
Toothless it bites,
Mouthless it mutters.

Editor's Note - Posting to Resume Shortly

Dear Reader, whom we revere and adore beyond compare,

I would like to apologize on behalf of the JNS community for a void of posting in the past few days.

I swear, I totally didn't see this coming. My Thursday afternoon was spent like any other purple-blooded American. I reclined in my loofa-constructed chair, burning money before my socially awkward children as I gazed into the ornate abyss of my richly crafted, multi-dollar shag rug.

And then came the vagrants. That's how I refer to the other contributors. Apparently payroll had not payed them for weeks because they didn't have the balls to finance payment schedules out of their own pockets like honest employees. Oh no. Instead payroll had asked for my consent, and like a good boss should, I chucked the smoldering remains of my yet burning fireplace into their undeserving faces.

And so now, Congress has mandated investigations, probably to find justification for their breathing tax. Anywho, I've been required to actually dole out payment. So I spent the weekend searching for my button collection, or as I like to call it, my bank account of Panamanian Rubles. Now I can pay those ungrateful roaches, and posting should resume unless some brainless 'tard spills the beans.

Soon, you shall once again be able to enjoy the soothing vaudevillian antics of Jibbles and other assorted shit.

Fondest hatred,

Joseph Pulitzer Jibbleton IV.5, Esq.
Publisher-in-Chief
Jibbles n' Shit Editorial Omnibus Weblog

wassupppppp: fireflies

Interspersed Aspect Ratio: Dreams of Terror

Dream Sequence
Tuesday, January 27th, 2009, 3:37a.m.
So, tonight I had a dream that was very similar to a dream that I had late in the fall semester of 2008 here at American University. The dream’s location was an eerie dream version of Washington, D.C. The odd quality about this Dream DC, per say, was that it was never daytime at any point. In Dream DC I live in a building, at least on the interior that is similar to Hughes Hall here at American University. The interestingly enough, no schoolwork is attached to living in this local. Also AU itself is never the subject of existence. I do live with at the very least Antonio Forte, Daniella Napolitano, Eric Till and Max O’Hern. Other minor characters appear throughout Dream DC that don’t really match up well. In this installment of the dream I, in a first person perspective somehow leave Dream Hughes and have access to the exterior catwalks and roofs to escape something of a bad nature. Before leaving Hughes I was previously in a bathroom, similar to the bathrooms here where I encountered Eric. I was also in Mike’s room, Billy’s roommate where who I believe Daniella, Max and perhaps someone else where just there.
Then I was elsewhere looking at art in a gallery with perhaps someone that was near in character to someone that I cannot quite remember as distinction was indiscernible at this point but I was very sad at that point in time, I was apparently visibly upset by something as someone in the gallery asked me why I was crying.
After the gallery scene, things shifted to another local, outside, near an intersection with two bus stops and a swing set. Daniella, Max and myself were there looking at the other bus stop. Mind yourself, I was on top of our bus stop and Daniella and Max were hanging off the sides. We watched as two smokers went to the other bus stop near us. We were then at the swing set where Max proceeded to hang from it via his lumberjack hat and swung joyfully about. Laughing followed but then we all wished that we would live in the grand building across the street from the bus stops. At this point I seem to remember the song “Movin’ on Up.” After this event I feel as if we were on a bus or getting on the bus that I needed to be at the train station to go home at around 4:30 in the morning and it was already like 3:00 in the dream. Eerily enough, Dream DC almost match real DC time wise.
After this event I found out that CVS was potentially going to be absorbed by some bigger company that made me feel that it had no business in buying the pharmacy chain. The mystery chain was going to rebrand CVS to WWVW, I believe. And as I recall this company, WWVW had a yellow and blue sign with blue arms supporting blue lowercase “wwvw” on a yellow background. That is where the dream just about ended. I think I can explain most of it away but I woke up and thought it needed to be recorded.
After a quick Google search, the initials “WWVW” yielded a company named Washington Wilbert Vault Works, Inc. which is a funerary service company in Laurel, MD. Such a business would have no business buying CVS. Though the idea of the logo is interesting, the blue hands were in fact the only things there supporting the WWVW . Why interesting, the thing that drive the real WWVW Company is dead people while the logo of Dream WWVW shows blue, or potentially dead, hands holding up the name WWVW. When but on a yellow background the symbolisms of the yellow could easily be the sun and life, and such that CVS is a pharmacy, a repository of health and goods, yellow seems like a fitting counter color to the death blue of WWVW zombies.

LOST CAT.