Why howdy there, fellow time-travelers! Today I hopped in my history-pod and went back to a magical time: Khe Sanh Vietnam, 1967! I arrived under the full moon of night and looked around at my beautiful surroundings--hills of majestic green foliage, turrets suffocated with innumerable high-power guns, and more handsome, fit young men than I knew what to do with!I was startled to find that I was kneeling in a trench with a gun in my hands, heart pounding and body sweating, feeling more anxious and terrified than I ever have in my life! I then realized what night it was: November 19th. I glanced at my watch: 9:42 PM. We were sitting--waiting--at the bottom of Hill 875. The American soldiers positioned at the top of the hill had been stranded there for weeks with no supplies and no rest from the constant bombardment from Charlie. Charlie... he was always there in the jungle--inhuman beasts, monsters, never resting, never stopping, unconquerable fighting machines. I can't even begin to tell you, kids, how many friends I lost to Charlie as he crouched in the jungle, always ready to pounce. And it was us, the Delta company, that was supposed to charge all the way up Hill 875 and rescue the poor kids waiting at the top... in less than one minute!
I looked to my left. Ralph was sitting there next to me. Ralph was the greatest friend of my life. He was hardly your average soldier; Ralph was more sensitive, sensational, and sublime than any man ever in the service, including General Westmoreland himself. A barely legal, 18-year-old boy from Nebraska, Ralph had a strong but smooth build with a permanent but faint tan from working on the family farm for his whole life. He had the body of a man, but he was still had that innocent look of childhood in his attractive and youthful face. I was closer to Charlie than I've ever been to anybody else in my life. We told each other our deepest feelings, our darkest thoughts. On nights not unlike this one we would lie under the moon beside each other and talk until the morning sun crawled over the hill. I loved him. Our friendship was the deepest that two men could possibly share.
"Don't worry," Ralph whispered, "I'll be right beside you the entire time."
The watch clicked onto 9:43, the commander called out an order of advancement, and we leaped out of the trenches and charged up the hill. My body was rushing with adrenaline. My legs pounded up and down like the wheels on a locomotive. My lungs were on fire with the air that passed rapidly in and out of them. Under fire, Men were falling on the left and the right, but Ralph stayed right beside me, chugging up the hill.
We were no more than 300 yards from the crest of the hill when overwhelming machine gun fire broke out. It was an ambush! Bullets rained down on us like a monsoon. Overwhelmed, I fell to the ground and curled up into a ball. I clutched my face with my hands and looked to Ralph for support. I needed his help. I needed to feel safe. I looked up at Ralph. He looked back at me. I stared directly into his face. I watched as a grenade landed and exploded on Ralph's beautiful face.
When the smoke cleared, Ralph was lying on the ground. There was little more left to his head than a stump. Blood was spraying out of it in pulsating spurts. I realized to my horror that pieces of Ralph's head covered my face. His teeth, his tongue, his brains. Ralph's body just laid there, convulsing. Ralph was dead.
I wasn't going to let this happen again. I wasn't going to let those fucking Viet Cong pieces of shit take my Ralph and get away with it. Last time I just laid there and did nothing. This time was going to be different. I took a chainsaw off of my back and ran into the jungle. I found Charlie. A fucking piece of North Vietnamese scum, huddling behind a bush with a machine gun, scared to death. I ran towards him and plunged the chainsaw deep into his neck. Blood sprayed everywhere as the chainsaw slowly ripped through his neck like a saw through a tree trunk. His head flew off. I had done to Charlie exactly what he had done to my dear, dear Ralph. But that wasn't enough. I needed more blood. I took a knife off of my belt and tackled another nearby soldier. I stabbed him. I stabbed him so many times. I stabbed him in the face. I stabbed him in the chest. I stabbed him all over his body. I stabbed him in the eyes, and the fluid that squirted on to my face as the blade plunged into them joined the blood and other body fluids that already covered my face. By the time that I was done slicing my knife in and out of his body, he looked like ground beef. I stole his machine gun and went after the rest of his company. I came them them standing there confused, squinting at me with those stupid eyes. I started shooting straight down the row of them, taking out soldier after soldier, cutting them in half with the devastating line of bullets. I took out the whole force myself. Then LBJ himself stepped out from behind a tree. "How do you fucking like me now, you piece of shit?!" he screamed at me. "I robbed you of precious years of your life. I robbed you of your innocence and your morals. And now, I've robbed you of your only friend Ralph--the closest person to you in your life. What the fuck are you going to do about it?!" I tackled Johnson. I stomped his face with my boots until it was wiped clean off. Then I straddled his chest and punched the bloody chasm were his face used to be until there was nothing left of his head but a few skull fragments.
Well, kids, mission accomplished! I had finally done what I always wanted to do. I slipped right out of my flashback and back into the real world. Whoo-wee, that sure was another fun adventure, wasn't it, children?! I can't wait to see what's in store for us next week! Until then, kids, remember: If I don't touch your bathing suit area, then you'll drown the next time you go swimming.
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