As we enter a new chapter in American history with the impending inauguration of Barack Obama people are filled with anticipation as they look to the future. With the recent and ongoing conflict in Gaza, an economy in crisis, environmental problems, and a litany of other woes, people are on edge about the future. There is great merit in devoting time and effort to these concerns and problems, yet it ignores a great chapter in American history to which Barack Obama will also have to live up. That is, the obscene, badass, and inappropriate behavior of America's Presidents.
Though this running article will not run in chronological order, we can logically begin this history with, of course, George Washington. While everyone knows that Washington was the man who led America to independence, few know or remember that our first President was also the first and only sitting President to maintain a marijuana crop on his farm. Now historians will tell you that it was purely for industrial reasons and that men of his day would have not smoked the crop. That has not dashed rumors that Washington avoided an open war with France by getting Genot high as fucking balls. Aside from his proliferation of the Ganja in America, Washington was a notorious drunk. Here is an actual quote relating to the subject:
"if allowed four dollars at Christmas, with which to be drunk four days and four nights; two dollars at Easter, to effect the same purpose; two dollars at Whitsuntide, to be drunk for two days, a dram in the morning, and a drink of grog at dinner and at noon."
The immense amount of liquor that Washington imbibed perhaps explains the nightly drubbing he would inflict upon Martha. However Washington was not simply a drunk, he was an enabler of drunks. He owned his own private distillery making a healthy profit as a whiskey distributor. Indeed Washington is considered by many historians to be influential in driving up the popularity of porter in America:
“Porter was imported into America, though not in impressive quantities, during the latter half of the [eighteenth] century, but it was not widely manufactured until after the revolution. Certain individuals were partial to this type of beer. George Washington, for example, was one. Through the distribution of porter to the homeless and poor of Philadelphia the liquor gained popularity in taverns throughout the city.”
Washington also subsidized porter distilleries with his own fortune, and issued laws during the Revolutionary War condemning the importation of foreign liquors at his local tavern, probably while piss shit drunk. One might think he might have more important matters to attend to with a war being on and all, but he loved his fucking beer.
By elevating Washington to the White House, America was lifting one of the greatest champions of American drinking to the highest of prominence. Through his actions Washington became firmly established as Founding Father of American Sports.
Before we depart from Washington I will leave you with George Washington's personal beer recipe. This is real:
Take a large siffer full of bran hops to your taste-boil these 3 hours. Then strain our 30 gall[o]n into a cooler put in 3 gall[o]n molasses while the beer is scalding hot or rather draw the molasses into the cooler. Strain the beer on it while boiling hot, let this stand till it is little more than blood warm. Then put in a quart of ye[a]st if the weather is very cold cover it over with a blank[et] let it work in the cask-Leave the bung open till it is almost done working-Bottle it that day week it was brewed.”
I hope you have enjoyed this preview, join me next time when we examine the mind bogglingly lewd behavior of Lyndon Johnson. By the way in line with our next topic, yes that is a picture of Lyndon Johnson inextricably fondling his own nipple.
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