Women be talkin’, women be talkin’

Have you ever been tryin’ to watch the game or get down with a good Tom Clancy novel and you hear a screeching and constant noise? Chances are, it was a woman talking about some non-sense and she wanted you to listen. I mean Jesus, do they ever stop? It seems to me like they just got problems up to here. Whether it’s man problems where some guy is fucking some brawd and she wishes she were her or whether it’s female probs like this bitch has the same tooth brush as me and I’m embarrassed to brush my teef, it seems like anythin’ can turn into a meltdown. But that ain’t the worse part, cuz we all got probs, it’s when they crawl over to you. It seems to me that my problems are my problems but women don’t get that. If I stank, you should tell me and I will get some non-stank spray. I will not go tell my aunt and ask her what to do about it because I already know the answer- go to the rite-aid and get some non-stank.
Another problem I got is the way these women act on a date. I go over this one girls house for dinner and she’s cooked dinner for me, some kind of compilation of cheese and chicken with artichokes or some other “bree” whatever kind of grass stuff that is, and she’s got it all laid out with a candle and the lights dimmed, and “I say to her, why the hell is it so dark in here? Turn on a goddamn light.” Al’s first rule of dating- ya gotta have hand.
But the worst is in movies because women are always crowding me when it comes to a good action flick. I mean when Nicholas Cage is blowin’ the shit out of John Travolta in “Face Off,” the greatest movie of all time, I don’t wanna hear- “why are they shooting each other? Who’s he? I thought he was a good guy.” Point is, the plot and intricacies of movies like Die Hard, Scar Face, Rocky 2 through 4, Mad Max and Enter the Dragon are complicated, grotesque yet deeply psychologically moving, and are difficult for people with smaller brains to understand, hence they shouldn’t be allowed to watch.
Final note, - the super bowl is coming up in two weeks (my pick is Steelers over Cardinals 17-10) and my ass will be promptly planted on my sofa cushion while any women around me will be securely in the kitchen. I don’t want to here, “what’s a punt?”
Thoughtfully always,
Al “haven’t had a woman in 7 years” Caplowski

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