North Dakota?

My roommate is one paranoid fellow. He is so paranoid, in fact, that he insisted I used a pseudonym in this article. For the duration of this article, he will be referred to as "Paul." As I was saying, "Paul" is the most paranoid college student in the history higher education. So when he started up on one of his paranoid rants recently, I ignored him, just as I had ignored him when he started talking about the secret cameras in our socks, the underpants gnomes, and how his Comparative Government teacher was actually Lee Atwater. But as it happens, as "Paul" continued to ramble on, I started to listen to what he said. And then, my fellow Americans, I determined something:

North Dakota does not exist.

There, I said it. Now before you laugh, let me assure you that I may this claim with the utmost seriousness. Oh, I wish I could just laugh off "Paul"'s ramblings, just as I laughed off his claim that he is allergic to peanut products. Upon hearing the facts, laughter will be the furthest thing from your lips. What will likely come out of your lips is a sort of short burst of moans punctuated by long screams. But that is neither here nor there. Just think about this. Who do you know from North Dakota? Have you ever even met anyone who claims to be from North Dakota? What famous landmarks are in North Dakota? Have you ever purchased a North Dakota hat or some famed North Dakota potatoes? No, you haven't. Because the bloody state doesn't even exist! Do you need further proof? North Dakota is supposedly one of the most Republican of states, yet its Congressional delegation is made up entirely of Democrats. Wikipedia's list of famous North Dakotans contains entries like Theodore Roosevelt (Governor of NEW YORK) and Dick Army (TEXAS Congressman). There do appear to be several individuals who are alleged to really be from North Dakota, such as Carl Ben Eielson, who was apparently a pilot of some sort. Of course, he met with an untimely demise in a "plane crash."
The most shocking aspect to all of this is that somehow the powers that be have concocted this fabrication with such flimsy pretenses. Well, I for one am tired of the lies. Now go! Call your Congressman! Go on see Mount Rushmore in the one, true Dakota. Protest in front of the offices of the Association of American Cartographers! Our numbers my be few, but our voice is strong.