Is Your Dorm Spiritually Secure? A Chilling Expose of Supernatural Going-Ons at American University

Which Could Potentially Signal An Even Larger and More Disturbing Conspiracy

This article is not intended for pregnant women or those with heart conditions, for it may induce heart attacks in the former and miscarriages in the latter. I know, right? CRAZY.

Like the other schools in the District, American University purports to go to great lengths to protect its students and safety on campus. The use of picture IDs throughout the year, as well as the recent precautions during hectic Inauguration Week would suggest that the school is doing everything in its ability to ensure its students can learn, live, laugh and love in a most secure environment, but this fishbowl facade is, well, a facade.
Another safety precaution taken is room checks, and during this checks, the Resident Assistants in each dorm check the rooms for potential hazards like fishtanks filled with turtles, excessive lamps and piles of clothes in front of exits. But what they most disturbingly do not check for are ghosts.

That's right, ghosts. At least two independent hauntings have been reported in Hughes Hall. One resident reported hearing ominous music over his iHome. Homie was just trying to listen to some Danish pop music when this DJ comes on with jazz music and shit. What the fuck?
another incident was reported, in which a student heard a disembodied voice emanating from a closet. From that same dorm room, flickering lights and mysterious phone calls have also been documented. WHOOOOAA!!!

The University simply has no choice but to respond to this... infestation. School officials have no choice but to ascertain the origin of these spirits from beyond, and determine the circumstances under which they died as well as their intentions. Playful child ghosts are one thing; malevolent hobo ghosts or a whole 'nother falafel. This will also determine how to go about eradicating these ghosts; will a simple seance do, or must we hire the Ghostbusters? One thing is for sure, this is not simply the case of a school official calling four stoned teens and their dog to fight a monster that turns out to be that same personal who called in the first place in a mask. What a dumbfuck. And who keeps referring people to these kids? All of their clients end up in jail. A business model like that is doomed to fail, and the fact that it hasn't suggests that something sinister is afoot.