Get Like Me

Chatting Bitches Up

Okay so let’s face it you'll never get like me, but that doesn't mean you have to give up. Today I'll be teaching you the fine etiquette of how to chat bitches up. I know your pimple marked face can’t comprehend even approaching a woman, but let’s assume for minute you get close enough for her to smell your Doritos stained breath. At this point one of two things will happen, the bitch will see you for what you are and promptly leave, or she’ll be nice enough to tolerate your neckbeard for a few seconds. If the second case should happen you only have a few moments to convince her to stay longer and for that you’ll need to know how to chat that bitch up. The following is a novice’s guide to chatting a bitch up, more advanced techniques are most assuredly out of your skill level.

Step One: Don’t Talk About Your Anime Collection.

I know it’ll be hard for you weeaboos to understand, but normal people don’t care about Japanese animation. In fact it will probably be a big turn off. In fact avoid anything relating to Japanese culture.

Step Two: Compliment Her Looks

Girls are insecure creatures constantly believing they’re ugly. And while you will probably have to start talking to the uggos (the only ones lonely enough to tolerate you) you’ll still have to tell them they look good. After all chances are she’s a FUF (fat ugly friend) which means if you’re mean to her, you’ll never make it with her better looking friends. Important notes: its easy to come off as a creep in this step, avoid overtly sniffing her and commenting on her smell, don’t think by talking to her she’s giving you the okay to feel her up, and avoid approaching her in nothing but a robe. To simplify this step just make the following statement and let step three take over: “I really like that outfit.”

Step Three: Let Her Do the Talking

Women really enjoy talking. Even I can’t get my bitches to shut up once they start going. As such it should be no problem to talk to girls since they’ll do all the talking for the two of you. A simple “mmhmm” and “yea” will fool her for a while, but make sure you throw in a couple “I know!” and “I can’t believe that” before she gets suspicious. By the end she’ll think you’re a good listener and want to chat to you more often.

Step Four: Get an Internet Contact

Lets face it, you’re not prepared for more face-to-face interaction. Simply put you’re an uninteresting person. The longer you stay the more she’ll believe that horrific smell is indeed emanating from your body. As such be quick in your work to try and find an alternate means of communication. Considering you spend most of your life on the internet, get a way to contact her there. Here she won’t have to see or smell you and you’ll have plenty of time to respond to wall posts. And remember to send smiley faces, bitches love smiley faces.

Following these simple steps you’ll soon be able to tell people that you “chatted that bitch up.”