Mutton Chops Are Delicious

As I sat in class today contemplating the back of the chair in front of me, a revolutionary thought passed through my head:
What's with the shocking dearth of mustachioed fellows in the highest echelons of government?
Back in the Glory Days of our Magnificent Republic, elaborate, dare I say flamboyant, facial hair was a must have for any serious political aspirant. Think of the white whiskered elegance of William Howard Taft. Or even the slovenly goatee of Grant, which, in its own way, gave off the musk of decrepit grandeur that exemplified this man's much maligned administration. Whenever I'm feeling down I just conjure up an image of Chester A. Arthur and his resplendent mutton chops. Then of course, we have TR and his perfect handlebar. Need I say more?
Sadly the glory days of facial hair are long gone. Personally, I blame that good-for-nothing Ivory Tower cloistered academic Woodrow Wilson. At the treaty of Versailles, Georges Clemenceau, David Lloyd George, and even Vittiorio Orlando all sported facial hair. No wonder the trio felt Wilson did not understand the European perspective - he refused to even grow a simple goatee! But alas, for some reason this gross emasculation of our national leaders has continued unabated since the days of Wilson. Not one President since that time has dared to let even a five o'clock shadow show. Beards, in fact, have become a sign of entrance into the political wilderness. Just consider the cases of Bill Richardson and Al Gore. Both waited until they were wallowing in defeat to grow truly awesome facial hair. What an outrage!
But a new day is dawning in Washington. Obama's change mantra may not include a personal devotion to a hairy face, but his likely replacement in the Senate, the great Roland Burris, is sporting quite a mustache. It is imperative that Roland Burris, who would be the only member of the Senate to have facial hair, be seated. Any further obstructionism by Harry Reid and his cohorts can only be seen as a blatantly facialist attempt at keeping the Senate clean-shaven.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, will NOT stand.