I Hate Larry Craig

I know what you're thinking. "Hey TQA! Why are you beating an old horse? Larry Craig is dead news!" Well that may be. But there is something I've been needing to say about this man for a long, long time, and I could never find the appropriate forum.
Until now, that is.
You know, a lot of people try to say that the actions of men like Craig are really quite innocuous, that these disgraced politicians harm nobody but themselves and/or Congressional pages. Nothing could be further from the truth. The irresponsible actions of Larry Craig dealt a death blow to an identity that millions of American men share. For years, these men have been in hiding, unwilling to face the public disgrace and private recriminations their "outing" would likely have produced. Only in recent years have these individuals been willing to wear their identity on their sleeves. You all know of whom I speak: those of us who use the so-called "wide stance."
When Larry Craig used the wide stance as an excuse for his indiscretions, a surge of horror spread through the wide community. How could something so beautiful, so natural, be turned into something so sleazy? The days and weeks after Craig's wide-stance revelation were dark ones indeed for the movement. There was a period there where the shame was so great that millions of men across the country would go to any lengths to avoid using a public bathroom. Hate crimes against the wide-stanced shot up over 300% in the months after the Craig revelation. It is because of this unprecedented and unwarranted wave of violence against the wide-stanced community that I feel justified in placing a bounty on Larry Craig, to be paid out only in the event of his safe delivery to the headquarters of Society of People for the Emulation of the Wide-Stanced.SPEW will bring this man before the people's tribunal to answer for his crimes. Questions? Address all inquiries to 842 People's Justice Avenue, Pyongyang.
Happy Trails!